Series 6, Episode 3
Title: "The Curse of the Black Spot"
Writer: Steve Thompson
Director: Jeremy Webb
It's telling that in interviews with the cast and crew of this episode, all anyone can really say is "Ohmigod PIRATES!" Yes, the Doctor is hitting the high seas and doing some swashbuckling. It's a pairing made in nerd heaven and the show's creators know that. The problem, then, is that Thompson and Webb never ease off the "let's make the nerds happy" button, leaving us with an episode that runs down the checklist of pirate tropes without developing, oh, say, compelling characters, dramatic tension or even some semblance of logical order. The amount of unexplained actions or inexplicable choices in this episode is staggering. "Black Spot" could have been a truly fun, lighthearted reprieve from the weighty plotting of "The Impossible Astronaut" and "Day of the Moon." Instead, it's forty-five minutes of sloppy television, with seemingly no other purpose beyond putting a cute Scottish redhead in a pirate outfit.
The thin story line of "Black Spot" takes place on a 17th century pirate ship, captained by Henry Avery (played by BBC veteran Hugh Bonneville). Whenever anyone on the boat suffers even the tiniest of scratches, a black spot mysteriously appears on their hands. Those who are marked eventually fall victim to the supposed curse of the siren, who is picking the men off one at a time. The Doctor and Co. materialize inside the ship and encounter the increasingly paranoid pirates. After some pointless swaggering and attempts to make every walk the mandatory plank, Amy grabs a sword, a pointed hat and flails around to rescue everybody. In the process, Rory and one of the pirates get scratched and we are confronted with the siren herself, played by the disturbingly beautiful Lily Cole.
Well, it turns out that when she touches the cursed men, the go "poof" and explode into dust. Dragging Rory away from certain doom, the Doctor and the beleaguered crew run through a bunch of theories (she wants blood, she uses water as a portal into the ship, etc), before discovering that she's after sick or wounded people. They also find Toby, Avery's estranged young son, who has stowed away on his father's ship following the death of his mother, who told him Avery was a noble sea captain. Somehow, despite being stuck on the boat for quite a long time, he never noticed the mob of pirates running everything. Steve Thompson proceeds to spend far too much time having his characters ramble about this father-son dynamic, despite the fact that no one cares. After some more pirate tropes (mutiny, beards, etc), the Doctor finally realizes that the siren is using reflections to gain access to the ship. All the gleaming pirate treasure is just an open invitation.
Cue the necessary freak storm. Amid the wind and rain, a crown that Avery was hiding allows the siren to nab the sickly Toby. Not long after, Rory gets knocked into the water and the Doctor inexplicably reasons that the only way to save him from drowning is to unleash the siren to go fish him out... by which we mean "kill him." Hmm. Not only that, but the Doctor also decides, with no evidence whatsoever, that the siren isn't actually killing people and that everyone she's taken is actually alive somewhere. He makes what is essentially a suicide pact with Avery and Amy and they all get siren-ed off to... a spaceship. Which is apparently tucked in some time-space-whatever trick alongside the pirate boat. Because of course it is.
They find all the missing pirates, sons and husbands (and the TARDIS!) in a creepy room, before discovering that the siren is actually a fancy, technologically nifty doctor, who's been trying to keep everyone alive. Long story short, they persuade her to let them take Rory away. Somehow, it is established that by taking him away, he'll go back to drowning, meaning Amy must make a big, dramatic effort to resuscitate him. After a whole lot of fake, forced suspense, Rory bursts back to consciousness (because of course he does) and we learn that Avery has chosen to stay with his son and crew as PIRATES! IN! SPACE!
So, yeah. All that happens. It's exhausting and it rarely makes sense. The original planned order of the episodes had "Black Spot" in the ninth slot, which would have made the dying-Rory drama seem a bit less forced, but still, very few things could have saved this confused and muddled script. Perhaps this has something to do with the pairing of writer and director, both of whom are new to the series. Steve Thompson has worked with Moffat before on Sherlock, but he seems wildly out of his league here, working in two genres (sci-fi and pirates) simultaneously. The characters-of-the-week range from bland (Avery) to downright infuriating (Toby, who can only be described as "the worst"). There are just too many pirate tropes and not enough storytelling. Lily Cole, who I'm told is a good actress, is completely wasted as the siren, who never speaks a word throughout the entire episode. It's scary to think about, but "Black Spot" is almost certainly the nadir of Moffat-era Who. It's a massively disappointing episode, coming at a time when the audience needed something familiar and easily digestible following two episodes of intense exposition. We can only look forward to next week, when we all will trust Neil Gaiman to save us.
Stray Observations
-Overall, this episode feels like the low-budget shoot that balanced out the trips to Utah and so on.
-Even the big plot reveal seems recycled, as the "confused alien healing tech" card was played back in the "Empty Child"/"Doctor Dances" arc with the nanogenes.
-Murray Gold's usually spectacular music fails us here. The siren song is far too similar to the Amy Pond theme, while the climactic music when Rory is dying is overblown and corny. It all sounds like something out of Beauty and the Beast.
-The Doctor and Amy save Rory by simply holding him back. Did none of the pirates ever try this on their mates?
-While using pseudo-science to explain genre tropes was fun in last season's "Vampires of Venice," using it to explain pirate tropes (sirens, block spots, blah blah blah) is mostly just boring and/or awkward.
-Arthur Darvill alone emerges with most of his dignity intact. "Cuddle me, shipmate" belongs on shirts.
-Oh, and the Eyepatch Lady shows up again. Damn you, Moffat. Just tell us things already.
-Several shots of the siren are repeated at different times in the episode. Again, was this all just a way to save money for the bigger, flashier stuff?
-The "Toby!" "Rory!" "The TARDIS!" moment is nothing short of wonderful.
-If the siren is a space-doctor, why did the pilots of the spaceship die from illness?
-So, Toby has to stay on the spaceship because he has a fever? And fevers can't be cured in 17th century England? Thompson! *shakes fist*
-The TARDIS still can't figure out if Amy is pregnant or not. Doctor Who audience members still can't figure out if they care.
[A word about my reviewing method: I watch every episode at least three times before writing these recaps: once with friends, once alone and once while taking notes. I also watch the companion episode of Doctor Who Confidential, do internet research and explore any other relevant texts. For example, this week I rewatched the Sherlock episode "The Blind Banker," which was also written by Steve Thompson. I take this shit seriously, y'know?]
(Photos courtesy of Emma-Jane)
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