Oh, the Grammys. That one time of year where the entire musical community gathers together to celebrate the best that music has to offer. It’s stars and it’s pioneers. Music we love today and will shape the sounds of tomorrow. Music that pushes the boundaries…
…what’s that?
Oh, we’re not doing that this year at the Grammys? That’s ridiculous! I’m sorry? We’ve never done that at the Grammys?
Well alright then.
Ok, all joking aside, I can’t help but watch the Grammys. Sure, they’re horrifically out of touch with just about everybody who cares about music on any level. Sure, their voting system is somewhat sketchy and is probably an astonishing conflict of interest. Sure, no one wants to see Sly Stone’s emaciated carcass being dragged around the stage. But, damn it, it’s the only award show music has. I’ve gotta watch.
That said, here’s a small sampling of the various unformed thoughts that ran through my head over the course of the epic 3+ hour broadcast.
1) Bono shouldn’t have his lyrics printed behind him. It just reveals how awkward they are. “Candy floss ice cream” indeed.
2) Whitney Houston is on a lot of drugs.
3) The Rock is not funny. The silence following his joke about “The Beatle Fighters” proves this (Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl were performing together, see…).
4) Paul McCartney and Samuel L. Jackson in one frame is the most incredible single frame of television I’ve ever seen.
5) When did Kid Rock start listening to so much gospel?
6) Introducing the Jonas Brothers by listing other great brother combinations, like, say, oh, you know, CAIN AND ABEL seems completely appropriate. *chuckle chuckle*
7) For a band that is supposedly reuniting, Blink-182 seem like they’re trying to stay as far away from each other as possible.
8) Katy Perry can’t sing. She also can’t dance. Or be graceful. She can, however, dress like a smoothie waiting to happen. We all have talents.
9) Why did Morgan Freeman introduce Kenny Chesney like he was the second coming of Jesus Christ?
10) T.I. + Kanye + Jay-Z + Lil’ Wayne + preggers M.I.A. = every kind of badass. Swagger like us….
11-20) I heart Radiohead.
21) Thom Yorke looked positively feral, stalking around the stage with long hair. He’ll fuck you up.
22) OBAMA GRAMMYS OMG WTF?!!!!
23) Excluding Ron Asheton from the “Encore” section (you know, where they pay tribute to the folks who died) is absolutely unforgivable. The Grammys had a month to add one last picture to their little PowerPoint. I expect their collective heads on my desk by the end of the week.
And this brings me to my final point:
…wait for it…
…you ready for this…
…oh god no…
ROBERT PLANT AND ALISON KRAUSS?! Are you for reals, Grammys? This is two years in a row you’ve managed to award the one album nominated for Best Album that has absolutely no relevance to contemporary music. I understand and respect the musical talents that Plant and Krauss have. I might even concede that the album isn’t half bad (I haven’t heard it. Guess what I’m doing tomorrow). But NO ONE CARES! Coldplay are one of the most beloved bands on earth right now. Lil’ Wayne is an incredible force of charisma. Radiohead are the single most important band in the universe (mmm, hyperbole tastes delicious…). Fuck, even Ne-Yo would have been better. But no. Instead, I have to listen to Raising Sand tomorrow. Tears for Simon.
Another year, another slog of bullshit music awards. I’m used to this by now. The fires of hope are struggling to stay alive after yet another deluge of culturally pointless backslapping. Perhaps, one of these days, I’ll completely give up on the Grammys. But…but…I just can’t.
So, with that, I’ll…oh god, am I actually saying this?...see you at next year’s Grammys. Sigh.
…what’s that?
Oh, we’re not doing that this year at the Grammys? That’s ridiculous! I’m sorry? We’ve never done that at the Grammys?
Well alright then.
Ok, all joking aside, I can’t help but watch the Grammys. Sure, they’re horrifically out of touch with just about everybody who cares about music on any level. Sure, their voting system is somewhat sketchy and is probably an astonishing conflict of interest. Sure, no one wants to see Sly Stone’s emaciated carcass being dragged around the stage. But, damn it, it’s the only award show music has. I’ve gotta watch.
That said, here’s a small sampling of the various unformed thoughts that ran through my head over the course of the epic 3+ hour broadcast.
1) Bono shouldn’t have his lyrics printed behind him. It just reveals how awkward they are. “Candy floss ice cream” indeed.
2) Whitney Houston is on a lot of drugs.
3) The Rock is not funny. The silence following his joke about “The Beatle Fighters” proves this (Paul McCartney and Dave Grohl were performing together, see…).
4) Paul McCartney and Samuel L. Jackson in one frame is the most incredible single frame of television I’ve ever seen.
5) When did Kid Rock start listening to so much gospel?
6) Introducing the Jonas Brothers by listing other great brother combinations, like, say, oh, you know, CAIN AND ABEL seems completely appropriate. *chuckle chuckle*
7) For a band that is supposedly reuniting, Blink-182 seem like they’re trying to stay as far away from each other as possible.
8) Katy Perry can’t sing. She also can’t dance. Or be graceful. She can, however, dress like a smoothie waiting to happen. We all have talents.
9) Why did Morgan Freeman introduce Kenny Chesney like he was the second coming of Jesus Christ?
10) T.I. + Kanye + Jay-Z + Lil’ Wayne + preggers M.I.A. = every kind of badass. Swagger like us….
11-20) I heart Radiohead.
21) Thom Yorke looked positively feral, stalking around the stage with long hair. He’ll fuck you up.
22) OBAMA GRAMMYS OMG WTF?!!!!
23) Excluding Ron Asheton from the “Encore” section (you know, where they pay tribute to the folks who died) is absolutely unforgivable. The Grammys had a month to add one last picture to their little PowerPoint. I expect their collective heads on my desk by the end of the week.
And this brings me to my final point:
…wait for it…
…you ready for this…
…oh god no…
ROBERT PLANT AND ALISON KRAUSS?! Are you for reals, Grammys? This is two years in a row you’ve managed to award the one album nominated for Best Album that has absolutely no relevance to contemporary music. I understand and respect the musical talents that Plant and Krauss have. I might even concede that the album isn’t half bad (I haven’t heard it. Guess what I’m doing tomorrow). But NO ONE CARES! Coldplay are one of the most beloved bands on earth right now. Lil’ Wayne is an incredible force of charisma. Radiohead are the single most important band in the universe (mmm, hyperbole tastes delicious…). Fuck, even Ne-Yo would have been better. But no. Instead, I have to listen to Raising Sand tomorrow. Tears for Simon.
Another year, another slog of bullshit music awards. I’m used to this by now. The fires of hope are struggling to stay alive after yet another deluge of culturally pointless backslapping. Perhaps, one of these days, I’ll completely give up on the Grammys. But…but…I just can’t.
So, with that, I’ll…oh god, am I actually saying this?...see you at next year’s Grammys. Sigh.
I don't have much to offer except I think the Grammys are so terribly "out of touch," as you so eloquently put it, that I won't donate any significant amount of time to viewing them.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I was all kinds of excited seeing that tribute to Sly & the Family Stone + Zombie Sly Stone a couple years ago at the Grammys. It was a good thing.
Thom Yorke was on USC campus for two nights last week rehearsing with our marching band. I'd like to think I felt the magic.
ReplyDelete