Handicappin' The Grammys

Ahhh, my favorite time of the year: Grammy season. When all of America comes together to celebrate crushing banality and mediocrity in our popular music. When industry experts cast their votes for the very best music has to offer, which is a complete conflict of interest since they want their own CDs to sell. When we get an answer to that age old question: “Dear god, this is the music Americans want?!”

Ok, that’s a bit harsh, but c’mon. The Grammys suck and there’s no way around that. This is the institution that decided that the best album of 1977, a year of complete musical upheaval and pioneering all over the world, was Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours. There’s also that whole Jethro-Tull-beating-Metallica debacle, but enough’s been said about that. The nominations for the next wave of glorious music industry irrelevance were announced yesterday and I want to go through the major awards and handicap the races a bit. In a month or so, we’ll find out whether I was even in the ballpark or not.

Album Of The Year
-I Am…Sasha Fierce, Beyonce
-The E.N.D., The Black Eyed Peas
-The Fame, Lady Gaga
-Big Whiskey And The Groogrux King, Dave Matthews Band
-Fearless, Taylor Swift

T-Swift and Beyonce have to be the favorites here. Fearless has already run rampant through the smaller award shows, but Beyonce is simply Beyonce. She’s the kind of iconic-but-not-cutting-edge singer the Grammys love. Of course, DMB is the most inexplicable nominee here, so they’ll probably win.

Song Of The Year
-“Poker Face”, Lady Gaga
-“Pretty Wings”, Maxwell
-“Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”, Beyonce
-“Use Somebody”, Kings Of Leon
-“You Belong To Me”, Taylor Swift

“Single Ladies” should take this without a contest, but watch out for dark horse “Use Somebody”, which is going to absolutely steamroll through the rock awards. Again, Swift is riding a wave of awards right now, so she’s definitely a contender.

Record Of The Year
-“Halo”, Beyonce
-“I Gotta Feeling”, The Black Eyed Peas
-“Use Somebody”, Kings Of Leon
-“Poker Face”, Lady Gaga
-“You Belong To Me”, Taylor Swift

Without the overwhelmingly awesome “Single Ladies” casting its ominous shadow over everything else, “Use Somebody” and “You Belong To Me” lead the pack for Best Record. This could also be where they throw a bone to Lady Gaga, who was denied Best New Artist status by a month or so.

Best New Artist
-Zac Brown Band
-Keri Hilson
-MGMT
-Silversun Pickups
-The Ting Tings

Dear jesus god, what a horrible field. MGMT, Pickups and the Ting Tings all don’t have a chance, since they fall into that “edgy music” category. Keri Hilson didn’t make big enough waves this year to really have a chance either, so it will probably fall to Zac Brown Band, who we’ll probably never hear from again. That’s how these things tend to work.

Finally, just because it’s the token category aimed at hipsters like myself…

Best Alternative Album
-Everything That Happens Will Happen Today, Brian Eno/David Byrne
-The Open Door, Death Cab For Cutie
-Sounds Of The Universe, Depeche Mode
-Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, Phoenix
-It’s Blitz!, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Grammy voters have two choices here: A) the “old choice”, giving the award to Eno and Byrne because, hey, they’re kind of important, right? or, B) the “young choice”, It’s Blitz!, because Yeah Yeah Yeahs have finally sanded away all those dangerous sharp edges and have become something truly boring enough for the Grammys to love.

Not that I’m bitter or anything…